intentional

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So, I did something a few days ago. Something I'm not proud of. Something that got me thinking. When I get to thinking, I get to writing. When I get to writing, it becomes a blog post. Here's a little background for you. All day this past Sunday, I felt good. I had some good ideas for the 'ol blog, I was laughing, I was finally getting back to myself. If you read my just a few thoughts  (which you totally should if you haven't already) post then you know that I've been going through some things. Not quite ready to elaborate, but you get the point. I've been feeling pretty down lately, so Sunday was a better day for me. Later that night, something came over me. I don't know what it was, but I just got irritated and frustrated. I hate when that happens. You see, something happened with my mom and my sister that indirectly affected me. Again, I won't go into the juicy details, but it happened about a week or two ago. I was fine with it. I had even forgot about it. But suddenly, this thing was remembered. It came out of nowhere and my whole mood changed. I started thinking how my mom and my sister used me and how I was going to get them back. They didn't care about me or the problems I was going through. My sister texts and calls me everyday. This I knew. It's almost like clockwork. So in my head I thought of what I would say to her when she called or text me the next day like I knew she would. I was going to go off on her. I went to bed and all I could think about was how good it would feel to give her a piece of my mind. Her and my mother. So I woke up Monday morning obviously rethinking my whole master plan. Sleep really changes your perspective on things. In my head (and my heart) I knew it was a bad idea and that I should just let it go. But something kept telling me that I need to stick up for myself and not let people use me. I'm not crazy, I swear. I was patiently waiting for my sister's call. But it didn't happen. I thought, well good. Maybe God is trying to stop me from saying something that I would later regret. He's stopping me from hurting my sister. Then my phone lit up and it was her. Against my better judgment I went with my plan. I gave her a piece of my mind and as soon as I did, I regretted it. We both said some pretty hurtful things, things that didn't have to be said. After that I was angry, hurt, and disappointed in myself. I then got into an argument with my mom. Ugh. But this is what I wanted to happen. This is what I planned for. Only, I didn't plan to feel so bad about it. I apologized to my mom and sister, but still, words were said. And those words can't be forgotten. God gave me a way out of the situation, but I didn't use it. So the point of this is why did I intentionally hurt my sister? Why was that a goal of mine? Why did I not take the way out that God had given me? Why did I take my frustrations out on innocent people? Why didn't I listen to my heart? I want you guys to know I am so much better than that, but I also want you all to know that I am human. Right now, I feel pretty crappy about the situation as I should. It's funny how your day can be going good then one stupid thought comes in and ruins the whole thing. Do I regret it? Yeah, I do, but I want to know have any of you ever done something intentionally to hurt someone even though you knew it was wrong? Have you taken out your frustrations on the people you love the most?

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Words are so powerful and they have the potential to cause so much pain and hurt. I know that I have to choose my words wisely and watch what comes out of my mouth. "Be careful with your words. Once they are said, they can only be forgiven, not forgotten."