I never expected to be that person who is just clueless about what they want to do with their life. I just always assumed it would just come to me. When I was a little girl, I would always say I wanted to be a doctor. Then I would say a surgeon and then that changed to a nurse. I think back to those times and now I'm pretty sure I was just telling people what they wanted to hear or what I thought would sound good. It felt good to say with pride that I want to be a doctor and see the people around me happy that I had such ambition. Now I feel like that ambition is gone. It's like my life doesn't mean anything. I've been feeling like this for awhile; years actually. When I talk to people about it they really aren't supportive or they just don't know what advice to give. I just want people to understand that I'm genuinely not happy with my life. I put up a good front and I'm really good at pushing those feelings aside, but deep down at my core those feelings are there, loud and clear. Since people don't understand, I do keep things inside. Thinking maybe I'll have an answer tomorrow. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. My biggest fear is of disappointing my family. I want to make them proud, but I also want to be happy with my life and the decisions that I make. I also want to prove people wrong. There are some people in my life who would be happy if I failed. I do want to be successful and have a career, I just want to be happy with my choice. I want to feel passionate about what I do. I don't want to be stuck with a job that I hate and stuck with a degree that I can't use. But then I think why not just get my degree? Why not just accomplish something and then see what happens? Then I realize that if I really wanted to be in college doing what I'm doing, I would be doing it. Once I'm motivated to do something, there's no changing my mind. I am also so grateful that God has blessed with me a second chance and so many opportunities that I don't want to waste it. I don't want to disappoint Him either. I'm so conflicted and I just want to be ME! I want to feel happy with what I'm doing and it sucks that I don't.
The reason why I'm writing this and sharing this with you is because I haven't talked about it. Like I said, I've pushed those feelings aside and to be honest, it feels really good to be not only writing this, but to be sharing it with you all. It's so hard to hold feelings like this inside and I'm hopeful that I will find what it is that makes me happy and what it is that I want to do with my life. Thanks so much for reading!
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