Friday, September 6, 2013

just a few thoughts

As I'm sitting here writing this, I'm wondering if this is the right thing to do. Then I realize that the reason I started blogging was not only to share my love for fashion, but to share my life and my thoughts. This is a spur of the moment thing. I just opened up my computer and started typing. I wasn't planning on writing this, on telling this, but I've gotten this far so I might as well go all the way. Now, before we get started, I'm sorry for being all dramatic. Don't expect some life altering, mind blowing, raw feelings. I mean, maybe this will be all those things. But for me, I'm just getting my feelings out. Even before I get to the good stuff, I feel better. Writing, I tell ya, is so therapeutic. So enough of all the semantics, let's get to it.
I have recently been feeling a little empty lately. I've been going through some stuff (maybe I'll share that with you later) and it's been really hard. Now, I'm not throwing a pity party here. I know that I am beyond blessed and things can be a lot worse, but for me, these past few weeks have been some of the hardest of my life. Yeah, it's like that. I've been questioning every decision, every emotion, just questioning life basically. Every emotion you could possibly feel I've felt them all in the past few weeks. I'm a real mess. I've even sort of, just a little, lost my faith. I'm slowly getting back to myself, but I'm not all the way there yet. In the past few weeks I've learned that it's okay to not have everything figured out in life. It's okay to make mistakes and it's never too late to live the life you want to live. I've also learned to have faith during the hard times as hard as that may be and I'll be the first to tell you, it ain't easy. I've learned who is for me and who is against me. Who wishes me well and who wants me to fail. Yeah, it just got real up in here. But through it all, I'm glad to be on the other side of it. To be coming out of the darkness. To see that sliver of light at the end of the tunnel. Things are slowly but surely falling into place for me and you have no idea how good that feels. In the midst of those struggles, I've been struggling with the male species. A little background information for you. Some things that are important to know about me. I'm a huge romantic. Like probably the biggest romantic you'll ever meet. I love love and everything about it. I'm one of those people. I also tend to trust people a little too easily. Almost carelessly if I want to go that far. That trait right there makes me an easy target. I'm almost getting emotional here because every guy that I've ever let myself get involved with has hurt me. Yep, every one. No lie. I remember my high school boyfriend (or the closest thing I had to one) broke my heart so carelessly. I wasn't sure I would ever recover. I remember just being sad. I only cried a few times, but I was just sad. Not depressed, just sad. Do you get it? I was sad. Just when I was over it, he came back into my life and I let him. My young and naive self was pretty stupid. That's what I get for trusting so easily and giving my heart away like it's nothing. He then broke my heart again like I knew he would, but I just didn't want to believe it. And as if the first time wasn't hard enough, I had to get over him again. Pretty hard times. That was my first brush with true heartbreak. I will tell you, for me, the first time was the hardest. It's never been as hard as that, but anytime your heart breaks, it's always painful. So fast forward a few years later, and I let another guy into my life. I didn't have really big feelings for him, but the potential was there. I was on the cusp of a really big thing, then he just ended it. No explanation. No warning. No nothing and he did it over a text. He's a real winner. I sure know how to pick them. Then to make things worse, my uncle passed away around that time, so I was in a pretty bad space. I got over it, pretty quickly I might add, and just recently I let him back into my life. I know, I know. Do I ever learn? Around the time we started back talking, I reconnected with a former classmate of mine whom I always sort of had a crush on. To make a long story short, both of those guys turned out to be duds. Taking my heart and just stomping on it. I never understood how guys can just do that. I take other people's feelings into consideration in everything I do, and I cannot imagine just hurting someone like that. And then not even caring. Crikey the nerve. I'm over it now. Finally feeling a little better about my life and how it's shaping up. Anyway, I'm at a place where it would be nice to have someone. To be in love. I'm not lonely. I'm actually pretty content with myself and my life. I'm not perfect, neither is my life, and I'm still figuring things out. I just feel ready. I can't explain that feeling. It's just a feeling of something or someone is missing. I finally feel like I'm ready for love. And not just any kind of love. I want passionate, heart stopping, life changing love. I'm a dreamer I know, but I believe it will happen one day. Now, I will say that I am not in any way, shape, or form looking for someone to complete my life. I'm just looking for someone to add to it. But I know I have to be careful. I've learned from my past to not just give my heart away to someone who doesn't know how to take care of it or someone who doesn't want to. And I've learned not to trust so easily. I'm a romantic, a lover, a giver, a gentle soul. I feel like those are the things that make me who I am. I know there's someone out there who will appreciate those things about me and not use them to hurt me. I just know that it's going to be so amazing when it happens, I can feel it. So love, I'm ready whenever you are. 
Whoa, that was pretty long but cathartic nonetheless. It feels good to get some of my feelings out there and just be vulnerable for once. Did I mention that I have a hard time expressing my feelings? I always say the guy that makes me feel comfortable and secure enough to share my feelings will be the guy for me. Anyway, thanks so much for reading this ridiculously long post. It means a lot.

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